Facebook for Dummies er, Goblin Kings
by FrancesOsgood
Summary: Jareth joins the digital age. What could possibly go wrong?


**Facebook for ****Dummies... er, ****Goblin Kings**

"Remind me," groaned Sarah, "Why are you doing this again?" She turned and glared at Jareth who was hovering over her shoulder as she sat in front of her computer.

"It was your suggestion, Precious, that I find ways to busy myself that don't include, and I quote, 'creepy, stalkerish behavior,'" explained Jareth.

Sarah sighed. "I hardly think Facebook is the best outlet to practice not-stalking. In fact, it should pretty much be called Stalkbook. However, since I don't have a Facebook page, you won't be stalking me and that's fine and dandy in my book."

"Wonderful," said the Goblin King. "Then shall we get back to creating my profile?"

"Fine," Sarah replied. "You'll need to come up with a user name. Any ideas?"

"Jareth the Goblin King," Jareth answered without hesitation.

Sarah shook her head as she typed the name into the box. "It's funny; this is the one site where hardly anyone would think twice about a name like that."

"And just what, may I ask, is wrong with my name?" the Goblin King asked, drawing himself up to his full height.

"Um, nothing," gushed Sarah. "What's next? Occupation, hmmm…" She thought for a minute before typing, spelling it out as she hit the keys.

"B-A-B-Y-N-A-P-P-E-R."

"Babynap—Sarah!" cried the Goblin King. "You know that isn't true!" He angrily crossed his arms over his chest and turned his face away, sulking.

"Ugh, fine," Sarah moaned as she hit the backspace key. "What should I put? Baby-taker-away-when-wished? Goblin bogger? Chicken kicker?"

"King of the Goblins is sufficient," answered Jareth. "Of course, if there is room you could add Lord of the Labyrinth."

"Is that all, Your Majesty?" Sarah asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"That will do. For now."

Sarah keyed in the occupational details into the box, muttering under her breath about babynapping glitterphiles. "Okay," she told him. "That brings us to Education. What did you study and where?"

"My studies where mostly magic-based, along with warfare, economics, politics and music," Jareth prattled proudly. "I was taught by private tutors, of course."

"H-O-M-E-S-C-H-O-O-L-E-D," typed Sarah. "That explains a lot." She shook her head and scrolled down to the next empty box. "What should I put for where you live?"

Jareth left her side and walked over to her bookshelf and began rifling through her collection of historical romance novels.

"The Castle beyond the goblin city, of course," he answered, picking up a worn paperback and flipping through it. His eyes widened and a wicked grin crossed his face as he skimmed the pages of the book. "I see your taste in reading material has…matured," he purred.

"Put that down and leave my things alone," Sarah snapped.

It was really no one's business what she chose to read. So what if most of the heroines of those books were strong-willed, green-eyed, feisty young women? What did it matter that most of the heroes were semi-villainous, arrogant, hot blondes in chest-baring shirts and criminally tight pants? It didn't mean anything. Still, she didn't want His Nibs getting any ideas.

Jareth put the dog-eared book back on the shelf and stepped back to where Sarah sat hunched over the computer keyboard. "You've left the relationship status blank," he told her.

"No problem," Sarah muttered before scrolling up to the relationship status box and clicking on "Single."

"Ah, you wound me, Precious," said the Goblin King in mock anguish.

Sarah swiveled around in her desk chair to face him. "Just what would you have me put, Goblin King? Are you married? Divorced? Widowed?"

Jareth stared down at her for a moment before answering. "I am both divorced and bereaved, but as for my current marital status, let's just say it's a work in progress."

Sarah's mouth opened to speak, but no words came out. She just sat staring at him in a fashion reminiscent of the "ballroom scene." He was a divorcee and a widower? It was difficult for her to imagine.

"You didn't tell me you were married before," she said, finding her voice at last.

"You didn't ask," Jareth replied simply.

"I…I guess I just thought…" Sarah let her voice trail off. She wasn't sure what she thought.

They were both silent for moment, Sarah curiously studying the Goblin King as he nonchalantly toyed with his cuffs and adjusted his dark leather gloves.

"So…what happened? If you don't mind me asking…" Sarah asked at length.

Jareth stopped fidgeting with his clothing and glanced down at her. "Nothing terribly interesting," he answered. "I was very young when I married the first time. It was not a good match and was advised against, but I was a bit arrogant and headstrong in those days."

"I can't imagine," Sarah said, not bothering to mask the sarcasm.

Jareth gave her a pointed look and continued. "My second marriage was a better match, and we were quite happy. For a while." He paused and for a brief moment a look of sadness flickered over his face, but just as quickly vanished. "She was a delicate creature though and was lost when— Oh, that was all so long ago. Let's get back to the profile, shall we?" The Goblin King moved away to the window and looked out.

"Um, sure," Sarah answered, still shaken by his revelation. "We were working on your…er, relationship status."

Jareth turned and gave her a small smile. "Put whatever answer you feel applies," he told her.

Sarah swiveled back to the keyboard and scrolled down through the choices. She clicked on "It's Complicated."

"Now, we need to put up a profile picture," she said. "Do you want to use an actual picture or an avatar?"

Jareth snorted. "Why would _I_ want to use an avatar?" He took a dramatic stance with his arms splayed wide and his head held high and Sarah groaned.

"Right," she muttered. "We mustn't keep the world from seeing you in all your glittery glory. Do you have any pictures of yourself?"

Jareth walked back over to Sarah's chair and peered down over her shoulder. "I believe there were a few taken at your lovely Christmas party, Sarah," he cooed.

"Ugh, don't remind me," thought Sarah. She really didn't want to think about the Christmas party, much less see pictures from it. After Jareth crashed her work party and got a bit heavy-handed with the mistletoe, her overzealous friends hadn't let her live down what they saw as her secret hot international lover. It hadn't helped that Sarah had been over-indulging in the eggnog and was feeling particularly amorous.

"I don't think I have those anymore," she lied.

"No matter," said Jareth, pulling a crystal from the air. "I do."

Sarah groaned as the crystal burst into a cloud of glitter and was replaced with a collection of incriminating office party photos. Jareth looked through them, grinning like a Cheshire Cat. "These are very nice, Precious," he told her. "That slightly tipsy flush on your cheeks is really quite becoming."

"Just pick a picture so I can scan it and crop myself out of it," Sarah said through clenched teeth.

Jareth handed her a picture of himself standing atop one of the office desks and singing. Sarah had to smile a bit at it. Using a stapler as a microphone, Jareth had done a surprisingly good rendition of "Jingle Bell Rock."

"Not a bad pic, Goblin King," she told him.

"Yes, I agree," he replied smiling. "I rather like that one. I look like David Bowie in it."

Sarah laughed out loud. "I hate to break it to you, Jareth, but you look nothing like David Bowie." She paused and thought a moment. "Okay, maybe the eyes. And the voice. And you're about the same height. And… _great bog-greasing goblins! _ Never mind."

Sarah shook the thought away and scanned, uploaded and placed the picture on Jareth's profile. "There," she told him. "It's done."

The computer made a dinging noise and Sarah glanced down at the screen. "Wow, that was fast," she said.

"What is it?" asked the Goblin King, leaning far over her shoulder to look at the computer screen.

"You already have a friend request." She clicked on the request and a picture of a woman with enormous breasts appeared. "Someone named Chesty McBigguns wants to be your friend." Sarah sighed in disgust.

"Don't be jealous, Precious," Jareth whispered near her ear. "I am of the belief that anything more than a mouthful is wasted."

Sarah froze in disbelief and Jareth chuckled. "I think I'm going to enjoy Facebook," he said.

"Right," Sarah moaned. She stood up from her seat and moved to her bookshelf, carefully inspecting her collection of romance novels to make sure none had gone "missing." She was still unnerved a bit by the fact that Jareth had been married before, but even more unnerved that such a thing bothered her.

"So he's been married a couple of times," she thought. "Big deal. I can't imagine myself being married to that pompous, glittery git."

In reality, she could, but decided the image was far too weird. She could just see herself as the mistress of a goblin and chicken infested castle, presiding over a land dominated by sentient landscaping. Jareth would often be away snatching babies and she would be left to deal with the ale-guzzling goblins, make sure the bog was sufficiently stenchy, and dust and polish all the blasted magic crystals.

"No thank you," Sarah muttered aloud to herself.

"What was that, Precious?" asked Jareth. He had seated himself in front of her computer and was answering a steady stream of friend requests.

"Nothing," Sarah replied quickly. "But hey, what was that about your current marital status being a work in progress?"

"Oh that?" said Jareth with a sly smile. He stood and took Sarah by the hand. "That reminds me. I have something very important to ask you."

Sarah tried to swallow the grapefruit-sized lump that had formed in her throat. Was he-? He couldn't, could he?

"Sarah," Jareth began slowly. "Will you-" he paused dramatically and Sarah looked up at him with wide eyes.

"Will you help me set up a blog?"

"Argh!" screamed Sarah.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Ta-dah! As promised, satire! I plan on doing a whole series of these little vignettes. If you have an idea for one, please leave it in the comments. The sillier, the better! **

***Many thanks to the guest who pointed out the bereaved/bereft difference. I have corrected that. Much obliged!**

****As always, I own nothing. I only borrow, and as Mr. Krabs says, "You can borrow anything you want, any time, as long as you return it before it's missed." So there.**

*****Out of curiosity, I searched Facebook, and there is indeed a page for Jareth, the Goblin King. I'm assuming Hoggle or one of the goblins created it, because it is seriously lacking the true Goblin King's... um, panache.**


End file.
